I don't really want a new drug, what I want is my own drug.
In fact, I don't even want my own drug.
I want my own strain.
Old People Weed.
See, the recreational marijuana today is for young people.
The medical marijuana is for...people who need medicine.
Which I do, sometimes.
But like most medications, medical marijuana has been engineered to provide relief of some pretty severe conditions, and thus has side effects.
Like becoming non-functioning and drooling.
Just like any other drug.
This is undesirable in recreational marijuana use over the long haul.
Plus, it's just not your grandmother's marijuana.
That's what I want.
My own strain of Granny Weed.
Weed that gets you high like 1975.
When you could take a hit or 5 with your morning coffee and groove through the day.
Got an early meeting?
Car won't start?
Can't find your Bic?
No, wait...stove works.
That kind of weed mellowed you out, helped you go with the flow, and gave you the cutest little crooked smile that perfectly complimented the slow drag of your sexy "I'm chill" voice.
No panic, no paranoia.
Of course, Granny Weed comes with its own problems and conditions.
It has seeds.
However, if you like house plants and "special tea," this is a feature, not a bug.
But, you do need paraphernalia that's kinda hard to come by nowadays.
Like, album covers.
2 album set album covers, to be exact.
Not only to clean the Seedy Weedy, but to watch the smoke roll down when you give a shotgun.
Now, to store your Seedy Weedy properly, you really need a cigar box.
Shoe boxes work in a pinch, but cigar boxes are ideal.
That way, once you separate the stems out, you can just tilt the album cover over the cigar box and let the seeds roll out into it to join them next to the Baggie.
Then, you can just close the attached lid without having to spend 20 minutes looking for the shoe box top you stuck under it for convenience and forgot.
Mellow totally harshed.
You also need a bong.
But, that's only for parties and small gatherings.
Can't carry a 3 Boone's Farm bottle water pipe in your purse discretely, and who's gonna carry a separate shopping bag just for that every day?
Really gets in the way of your wine skin.
For daily use, you really need a little flag pipe or a rolling machine.
Not these "pre-rolls" they have now with fancy filter doodads on the ends.
Or spliffs, or whatever they do with those little sweet cigar thingies.
I'm talking regular, crooked, hump-in-the-middle-twisted -at-the-ends joints.
That get you just high enough to make cookies after.
Not the kind you make with weed juice before to get high in the first place.
Regular old-fashioned Granny oatmeal raisin chocolate chip kitchen sink cookies and double fudge walnut cream cheese brownies with chocolate frosting that do nothing but what Nature intended for these things to do.
While you watch cartoons.
With your coffee.
And her Old People Seedy Weedy.